traces.

It was just like you always did it, mom. I dug out all the boxes we marked up last year and hauled them all upstairs. I took the four wreathes I found and lined them up on the garage floor. I put on the Christmas music just like you always did. Natalie came over to help me. We put up all the ornaments, especially your favorites. She liked the ones with the little Hershey's guy on them. You would've liked Natalie, mom. She likes Avalon and Christmas and England, just like you did. I let her pick out the wreath for the front door, and I think she picked out the same one that you would have. I got out the red candles for the dining room, even though we've never used them. I plugged in the little cottage that you'd always put on the kitchen counter in our old house. Natalie put some garland around the bench in the foyer, just like you did last year. She wouldn't stop until it was just right, just like you always were. She left after a few hours of decorating, and dad went out to do some errands, and I was alone in a makeshift home. I was left with traces of your voice singing your favorite Christmas carols. I was left with the scent of your pancakes lingering in the air. I was left with mere traces, and as I turned to go downstairs, I thought I saw you sitting on the couch, reading Marley & Me, drinking your Earl Gray tea. But I didn't take a second glance. I slowly made my way down the steps, tracing my fingers along the railing.

the process.

In his book, The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis writes, "I believe, to be sure, that any man who reaches Heaven will find that what he abandoned (even in plucking out his right eye) has not been lost: that the kernal of what he was really seeking even in his most depraved wishes will be there, beyond expectation, waiting for him in 'the High Countries'. In that sense it will be true for those who have completed the journey (and for no others) to say that good is everything and Heaven everywhere. But we, at the end of the road, must not try to anticipate that retrospective vision. If we do, we are likely to embrace the false and disastrous converse and fancy that everything is good and everywhere is Heaven." That is, to say that if we finish the Race and look back over our lives, we will see everything in light of the glory of Christ. All of the suffering and pain; heartbreak and tears; loss and betrayal; all will merge into the singular path that led us Home. As Jill Philips sings in her song All the Good Things, "If I could see like you do, with your perspective view...I would count all these days among all the good things you've done for me." We can barely see what's in front of our faces, much less the grand scheme of things. Who are we do argue that our struggles won't be transformed into later glory? John Newton said, "We serve a gracious Master who knows how to overrule even our mistakes to His glory and our own advantage." Charles Spurgeon said, "God is too good to be unkind and He is too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart." We get only glimpses of who God is, and from those glimpses we must trust, believe, and have faith. As Lewis also writes in A Grief Observed, "The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal." Let us embrace all that this life entails, clinging to the hope of His future glory.

wholesomeness.

each sunday, my churche's bulletin has a menagerie of awesome quotes that relate to the sermon for that day. here's some of my favorites. enjoy.

"Let him who wants a true church cling to the Word by which everything is upheld."
Martin Luther

"It is not the business of the church to adapt Christ to men, but men to Christ."
Dorothy Sayers

"Beware that you do not lose the substance by grasping at the shadow."
Aesop

"Character in a saint means the disposition of Jesus Christ persistently manifested."
Oswald Chambers

"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort, you will get neither comfort nor truth."
C.S. Lewis

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved-loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."
Victor Hugo

"One hundred worshippers meeting together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possibly be were they to become 'unity' conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship."
A.W. Tozer

"There are many things which a person can do alone, but being a Christian is not one of them. As the Christian life is, above all things, a state of union with Christ, and of union with his followers with one another, love of the brethren is inseparable from love of God. Resentment toward any human being cannot exist in the same heart with love to God. The personal relationship with Christ can only be realized when one has 'come to himself' as a member of His Body, the Chirstian fellowship."
William T. Ham

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people."
G.K. Chesterton

"People do not drift toward holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord. We drift toward compromise and call it tolerance; we drive toward disobedience and call it freedom; we drift toward superstition and call it faith. We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation; we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism; we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated."
D.A. Carson

"Holiness is the end of redemption, for Christ gave Himself for us that He might redeem us from all iniquity and purify unto Himself a peculiar people zealous of good works."
Charles Hodge

"If your religion does not make you holy, it will damn you. It is simply painted pageantry to go to hell in."
Charles Spurgeon

"Happy the man who sees a God employed in all the good and ill that checkers life."
William Cowper

"We serve a gracious Master who knows how to overrule even our mistakes to His glory and our own advantage."
John Newton

"God is too good to be unkind and He is too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart."
Charles Spurgeon

"Not until we have become humble and teachable, standing in awe of God's holiness and sovereignty...acknowledging our own littleness, distrusting our own thoughts, and willing to have our minds turned upside down, can divine wisdom become ours."
J.I. Packer

"If thou desire the love of God and man, be humble; for the proud heart, as it loves none but itself, so it is beloved of none but itself."
Francis Quarles

"The love of Christ both wounds and heals, it fascinates and frightens, it kills and makes alive, it draws and repulses. There can be nothing more terrible or wonderful than to be stricken with love for Christ so deeply that the whole being goes out in a pained adoration of His person, an adoration that distrubs and disconcerts while it purges and satisfies and relaxes the deep inner heart."
A.W. Tozer

therefore.

"Therefore since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverance and awe, for our 'God is a consuming fire.'"
-Hebrews 12:28

"Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done."
-1 Chronicles 16:8

"I had the leaders of Judah go up on top of the wall. I also assigned two large choirs to give thanks."
-Nehemiah 12:31

"Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song."
-Psalm 95:2

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name."
-Psalm 100:4

"But thanks be to God! He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."
-1 Corinthians 15:57

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him."
-2 Corininthans 2:14

"And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has giving you. Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!"
-2 Corinthians 9:14-15

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
-Philippians 4:6

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

verdad.

this whole thing called honesty--it puts people all in a tizzy. we can't handle it; we don't want to "be the bearer of bad news", nor do we want to be on the receiving end. we constantly beat around the bush to save our skin, hoping that we can drench a hard truth in sugar, but if not, we just won't say anything. i'm not trying to get into politics, but i will say one thing. we've all seen an interview with a political figure, or we've seen a debate of some kind, and we all know that there seems to be a chronic disease or something that's standard for all politicians: they simply can't tell the truth. i'm not saying that all politicians are this way, but i think we can all agree that, comparatively, there's much more of an avoidance of questions than direct responses to them. that's just one example of the lack of honesty in the world today. but that chronic disease that i mentioned is called sin, and dishonesty is one of many forms of it. jesus addressed this problem time and time again, especially when dealing with the pharisees. furthermore, in john 8:31-32, we read, "To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'" you can see right here from these two verses that truth is essential in a person's salvation. the thing that is oftentimes hard to swallow, is that when we deal we truth, we must be confronted with the brutally honest truth of our sinfulness. that's the hard part. the natural inclination to shrink away from that is manifested even in the smallest things in our lives, like the lack of confrontation in so many relationships. we hate to bring the dirty stuff to the surface so that it can be dealt with. the fact is, without honesty, relationships will fail to thrive like they would granted the truth was told. more importantly, we must spend time "cleaning out our own closets" persay before we start the spring cleaning in outer areas of our lives. so, i think it's about time we all get our hands a little dirty and get honest with ourselves, with God, and with each other. and as said in 1 Thessalonians 5:23, "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ."

that silly little thing called love.

why do they call it a break-up anyways? if something is broken the implication is that the broken object was once perfect, whole, copmlete. obviously, we humans came up with the brilliant idea to refer to a nonexistant relationship between two people as a break-up. but the truth is, human relationships cannot and will never be perfect, whole, or complete--atleast not in the divine sense of those words. if we want to talk about a true break-up, we can discuss the fall of man in Genesis 3 and Romans 1. the Almighty God, Maker of the universe, and Lover of our souls gave us life and made us breathe. it's kind of like a broken watch. as soon as a watch's battery dies, the hands stop their circular motion and the ticking noise that so subtly penetrated the silence disappears. what use is the watch now? it can no longer do what it was designed to do. now, it merely takes up space and collects dust. how worthless we are when our sin barracades our lungs from being filled with the Breath of Life! if we want to give a break-up justice, let's use it in the proper context. although human "break-ups" can be incredibly painful, they're similar to that black text on the bottom of your cereal box. (now entering the witty part of this little segment). you've finally finished off every last cinnamon square after eight days of diligent breakfasting, only to find that you were not the tenth winner of the seven-day cruise to the Bahamas. yeah, it sucks. but hey, it's what you bargained for.

heart of darkness.

can't you see this biology is so wrong?
can't you hear my whispers that pierce like shouting sounds of winter?
cause you're falling deeper
you're falling deeper
you're falling deeper into your heart of darkness

i'm trying to see inside of me to find what you're after
i'm straining to hear the voices so clear behind the cry of the murderer
and you're falling deeper
you're falling deeper
you're falling deeper into your heart of darkness

you need something marvelous
something marvelous
marvelous light
won't you shine on this heart
won't you shine into this darkness

fragmentation.

you and i, we just sit on the silver lining of the clouds waiting for a miracle,
with our eyes closed and fingers crossed, saying,
"Lord, I hope someone does something sometime soon."
'cause we're falling apart. yeah we're falling apart.
falling apart.

fragments of my life, they just don't wanna go.
and fragments of my heart, they really just don't wanna show
that fragments of your body flying through the air and landing in the snow
make me feel kinda guilty sometimes for just staying home.

you and i, we just turn up the volume on our radios and keep our blinds closed.
you and i, we just tint our windows in hope that when we're driving down the street we won't see a thing.
'cause we're falling apart. yeah we're falling apart.
falling apart.

fragments of my life, they just don't wanna go.
and fragments of my heart, they really just don't wanna show
that fragments of your body flying through the air and landing in the snow
make me feel kinda guilty sometimes for just staying home.

we think that ignorance is bliss and a sloppy, wet kiss will make it all right.
we'll just paint it over well with a big, hard shell of sunshine hue.

inhaleexhale.

The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds
All that i know is I'm breathing now
I want to change the world...instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me
But all that I know is I'm breathing

Ingrid Michaelson.

something like this pt. 2

scratcth that, it's pneumonia.

something like this.

it's like an eighteen wheeler barreling down I-75 at speeds of 80 miles-per-hour and my sinuses are a four-lane highway.

it's like an NFL linebacker pummeling the cavernous spaces behind my cheekbones.

it's like a monster snow plow making walls of gooey secretion inside my face, except the blizzard is chronic and the truck can't drive fast enough.

it's something like that.
some people call it bronchitis.

train of thought.

I find myself rummaging through stacks of paper from freshman year, and I have to look at my watch to remind myself that it is, in fact, October 20th, 2008. It's like those annual Christmas-cookie-recipes that consume your house with the scent of memories--those smells that somehow allow you to remember exactly what you were doing the previous year when you caught that same aroma. I remember when I wrote this. I was just beginning to get into the swing of the high school scene, no thoughts of college in mind, aside from the occasional, "I wonder what it'll be like to be a senior," thought that sometimes knocked on the door of my head." I instinctively look out my window. Have you ever noticed that whenever people reminisce or try to grasp the concept of time, they almost always gaze out a window? I wonder why. Perhaps it is because the glass that separates them from the scenery they can so clearly see is much too familiar, like the next turn of a calendar page when you sneakily peek at next month's picture, as if someone is watching you. The view from my window is the same as it was two years prior, but I am not. The leaves, trees, and grass are all the same, but somehow they are different. This ensemble of nature seems stagnant, yet cyclical. It is as if they keep repeating their turns in season just in case I might have missed something, for I am in forward motion. I do not make my rounds; I make footprints. But the leaves keep falling right outside my glass. The tree just stands there. And the grass just rests. Much to their delight, I suppose, I seem to notice something different each time I look out that window. I am reminded of who I was, who I am, and I wonder what I will be next time I turn to look outside through that expectant window pane.

what's your prognosis?

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." Victor Hugo

"One hundred worshippers meeting together, each one looking away to Christ, are in heart nearer to each other than they could possible be were they to become 'unity' conscious and turn their eyes away from God to strive for closer fellowship." A. W. Tozer

"There are many things which a person can do alone, but being a Christian is not one of them. As the Christian life is, above all things, a state of union with Christ, and of union of his followers with one another, love of the brethren is inseparable from the love of God. Resentment toward any human being cannot exist in the same heart with love to God. The personal relationship to Christ can only be realized when one has 'come to himself' as a member of His Body, the Christian fellowship." William T. Ham

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people." G. K. Chesterton

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore-- And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughes-

it would be cruel to watch someone die, while holding the cure for his sickness in your hands.

The main thing God convicted me of on the senior retreat was how I hold back way too often. After hearing so many testimonies from people whom I barely knew, I realized that it is way too easy for me to by this bubble around myself and my friends. You know, we always say that we want to love people, and whenever we hear a convicting message about love, we make a mental note, but we do absolutely nothing. I really liked what Sam Wolfe said. "If I'm not building you up, I'm tearing you down." In the same way, we can't just sit around and wait for depressed, discouraged, weary people to just plop themselves on our front steps (but sometimes God does do that). People like that don't seek out help because they're just too afraid of being 'naked and ashamed'. Very rarely did those kinds of people make the initiative with Jesus; he was the one to seek out the lost. We need to take the first step and be bold in finding those people. We need to be intentional in getting to know others. There are so many more layers to people and so much more depth, but we're so easily satisfied with the surface because we're just not willing to deeply invest. Just because someone's personality or actions don't appeal to me doesn't give me any justification for not pursuing them. People that I care for are not in any more need of grace than the quiet girl in the corner, or the loudest person at school. Everyone equaly needs God's grace and they need to know that it is sufficient for each and every thing in their lives. Our obedience to the life of Jesus will glorify God, and it may just play a part in saving someone's life. Our disobedience will disgrace the name of Jesus and may have been the one thing that played a part in someone's death. I know, it sounds pretty harsh, but when you think about it, it's inhuman to be surrounded by dying people and not do anything about it.

a toddler's shield

her tiny, awkward legs,
her body stumbling towards me.
she reaches for the toy that lights up and spins.
five long scrapes on the inside of her forearm.
"what happened? what happened to you arm?"
"momma."
"did momma do that to you?"
silence.
she wraps her marred arms around my neck.

You sit at the table with the wounded and poor. You are on our side.


"friday will be his last day. his mother can't afford to keep him here."
my heart sinks a tad, saddened that my little bundle of joy is leaving.
she stands up and stares.
"who's going to make sure he eats? i mean we feed him here."
"if he's not here, he may not have enough to eat."
my heart breaks in two.
he giggles and plays, unaware.

the orphan clings to Your hand, singing the song of how he was found. You are on our side.

when they're all dried up like a raisin in the sun...love.

"There is always something left to love. And if you ain't learned that, you ain't learned nothing. Have you cried for that boy today? I don't mean for yourself and for your family 'cause we lost the money. I mean for him: what he's been through and what it done to him. Child, when do you think is the time to love somebody the most? When they done good and made things easy for everybody? Well then, you ain't through learning--because that ain't the time at all. It's when he's at his lowest and can't believe in hisself 'cause the world done whipped him so! When you starts measuring somebody, measure him right, child, measure him right. Make sure you done take into account what hills and valleys he come through before he got to where he is."

-A Raisin in the Sun

two.

one.
long, brown hair.
slender.
sings.
acts.
dances.
sings, hoping he'll hear and take notice.
acts, every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, because she doesn't know how to be herself.
dances, with stiff, rigid movements, trying desperately for her steps to not echo her heartbeat.

one.
long, brown hair.
slender.
sings.
acts.
dances.
sings, knowing He hears, loves, and sings over her as well.
acts, for the adrenaline, the lights, the stage, the audience, because she knows her own character enough to become someone elses.
dances, with delicate motion, ever so "cotton-blown-through-the-wind" like.

two by two they fall.

collective random thoughts

sometimes i feel like clipping bushes with those enlarged scissor things.

sometimes i feel like hammering a fourteen-inch nail into balsa wood, so that the hammering sensation won't be over too soon. plus, balsa wood is pretty frail so it just might splinter.

sometimes i feel like shoving my face into a box that has a temperature of -34 degrees.


i feel sitting in snow for hours until i get sweaty and have to go inside and drink hot chocolate, which, ironically, doesn't make me any hotter.

....but only sometimes.

dear stranger

dear stranger,

you're not so distant after all; in fact, you are quite familiar. i've noticed that twinkle you get in your eyes when you ramble on about making it big, and falling asleep in his arms every night. but that sparkle dazzles attractively like fool's gold, glazing the surface of the glossy coating that masks your core. you want me to believe that you've finally found your place under the lights, under the covers; you yearn to believe it yourself. but you know you can't. i know you too well to give in the that glistening look you've got. your soul goes much deeper than a sixty-five foot auditorium theatre ceiling, much deeper than six inches of down bedding. deep calls to deep.

is that beige sackcloth sweater you wear as comfortable as my fleece blanket? you're taking your benadryl to stop that itching, but it won't leave you alone, will it? all you want is to rip away your flesh, but you can't because it's all you've known. the lights are all you've known. his arms are all you've known. deep calls to deep.

dear stranger, why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on want does not satisfy?

take the scales off your eyes, dear stranger.

popsicle

yum.
lick.
suck.
lick.
sluuuurrrpppp.
lick x's 107.
crunch.
stick.
dang it.

fondness wells up in my right and left atriums.
streams of crimson joy flow through my capillaries.
in simpler terms, i love her.
the fifteen-pound dumbbell that descends on her insides
everytime he opens his mouth, refuses to destroy.
old faithful erupts with a heavenly, glorious flood,
engulfing the iron death and dissolving its very being.
the acid ulsers overpopulating her internal abdomen
swell at the stinging glimpse of her livid eyes;
yet they dare not eat away her life for fear
of her stronger heart, looming from the upper left.
she is, a martyred welsh princess, persecuted.
she is, freddy.

the journey to chesnut street

i was walking down market street
where my car was parked,
which, upon entering, would taking me to chesnut street.
and as i was crossing to the other side
i spotted two people riding bicycles-
a man and a woman, quite businesslike.
although they were headed in my general direction,
and by that i mean right towards me,
i decided to step out into the street anyway,
causing a very awkward three-second sequence of events,
during which i slowed down and then sped up
while the couple did the same and then went
on either side of me, the woman giving me "that look".
following "that look" came a "whoops" from my mouth
and it makes me chuckle to think about
the possibility of me colliding with the man and woman,
having us all in a heap in the middle of market street.
then the uncomfortable emerging from the pile,
with my hand accidentally brushing his rear,
or any other awkward moment of physical contanct,
in response to which i would say, "whoops."
it just makes me chuckle.

behind closed doors

i'm a closet alcoholic,
but a select few know.
so maybe that makes me a laundry-room alcoholic.
i left my shot glass in my backpack once,
and it tumbled onto the floor in pre-calculus.
"that is highly illegal!" mr. walker shouted.
i froze, my glass making circles on the tile squares.
then i realized that he was addressing an error
made by jacob in a square root equation.
i retrieved my treasure in relief.
upon my return home, my dryer inquired,

"vodka?"